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Ranger Report: Ale Attacks!

A place to share in-character stories and event recaps! All out of character text should be noted as such.
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Ranger Report: Ale Attacks!

Post by Cyker »

Ranger Report: Ale Attacks!

It was a quiet day in the Weary Rest, most of the other patrons had gone home, but there were two left. One was Murrey Wristburrow, halfling performer, the other was Kazarn Wildwanderer, the ranger. Sortof.
The Wildwanderer was recounting his most recent adventure to the halfling.

"So 'e yells 'Come quick Kaz!' so I'm runnin' int' t' forest right, and I'm thinkin' 'What's t' rush', then it hits me."

"What, why he's in such a rush?"

"No, a bloody great dragon!"


"So's anyway, we gets rid o' t' dragon, and carry onto Trommel, an' we pass t' mine, see?"


"Anyway, 'e decides t' go in an pick a fight wit' t' denizens o' t' mine, so me an' Semeki follow 'im sorta resignated like, and then we get to t' bottom o' t' mine. I were 'bout t' start back up, but then, get this, t' eejit decides t' go in t' try t' slay t' dragon there too!

"I were like, 'Err... are y' sure 'bout this??!', an' he goes 'This dragon's a pansy!'

"Anyway, t' three o' us goes in, 'e picks a fight wit' t' dragon and gets the snot beaten outta 'im, while 'e's screamin' 'Why can't I hurt 'im?!'. Anyway, 'es lying half-dead on t' floor, then t' bloody dragon comes after me!! So I'm off like a shot, Kazarn Battle tactics an' all that."


"Anyways, t' dragon chases me through t' caves, while Semeki fixes up Nathell and, get this, Nathell starts lootin' t' dragon's hoard!!"

"Oh my god!"

"Yeah! Anyway, *hic*, 'scuse me, t' dragon goes back and chases 'em, an' they run to where I'm at, so's we all run away again. We managed t' loose t' dragon 'bout halfway up t' mine, but then we run int' these two dwarves aye?

"So guess what t' first thin' Nathell says?"

"Oh? What?"

"'e goes 'Hello sir dwarf! Lets go kill the dragon!!'"


"So again we goes down t' mine, an' t' dragon is right there, waitin' fer us!"


"So immediately I run away again, and me and Semeki start firin' arrows through t' doorway while Nathell an' t' dwarf get the snot beaten outta 'em. But then Nathell runs off, wit' t' dragon followin ' 'im, so me, Semeki an' t' dwarf start unloadin' arrows on t' damned thing while it's chasing Nathell 'round. *Hours* it took us t' kill that damned thing!!! D' y' have any idea 'ow many arrows it takes t' fell a dragon!??"

"Hahaha! A rousing tale my friend!"

As they were talking, two pigeons flew in. One landed on Murrey's shoulder, and the other crashed into the Wildwanderer.

"*hic* Oooh, a message... it's from me friend Semeki... it says 'If you can read this, I have died. Get me outta here!! Signed, Semeki.'. Guess *hic* I better 'ave a word wit' t' priesht."

"Mine's from Pooner. It says 'Dear Murrey, I am gem mining ye twit! Pooner.'. Oh well."

"Yep, anyway, let's *hic* get back t' Benzor 'afore *hic* it gets dark. One f' t' road 'eh?"

The Wildwanderer quaffed his last ale, and stood up.

He immediately sat back down again.

"Uhh... I dun feel sho good.." he said unsteadily

"Haha! Wossa matter, can't hold yer ale?" said Murrey with a chuckle

"Err, Muury mate, could y' gimme a 'and 'ere?"

Murrey laughed, "Aye, sure."

"Fanksh mate..." the ranger slurred, leaning heavily on the halfling, "Aww wight..." he said, stumbling forwards

"Uhh... wot waysh benshor?" he asked as they stepped outside the inn. Vesur glanced at the two of them, sighing sadly as the ranger wobbled off into the distance, propped up on the halfling

"Come e're ye drunk!" yelled Murrey as the Wildwanderer wandered off the path and into a tree

"Ish... tryiin..... yer keep movin' all ova t' placsh!"

"Foooocuuuus!! And don't ye dare puke on my leather boots!"

As the halfling ran up to the ranger, he noticed a lone wolf running upto him!

"Osh, hellow little doggie...!" slurred the ranger, "Whoz a good doggie..."

"Yaaa!" yelled Murrey as the Wolf leapt for the Wildwanderer's throat.

"Aww, da doggie wansh to play!" he giggled as Murrey and the Wolf were locked in a life-or-death struggle, claws, fangs and steel glancing off each other!

"Cor! Look at dat! 'e playsh dead sho well!" observed the Wildwanderer, before stumbling off roughly westwards again

Murrey yelled in exasperation and ran after him.

When the poor halfling had caught up with the inebriated ranger, he found him chatting to two new comers.

"'eh Washup? *hic* Oh! Hullo Alley! Hullo *hic* Shink!" he said with a belch

"Well met Aley, Ink. Excuse me, I am escorting a drunkard of high calibre!"

Aley said nothing, 'tho he gave the Wildwanderer a disapproving look

"Eh.. well, he should be sobering up soon." said Murrey apologetically

"I fink i'sh gonna be shhik..."

"Or not..." muttered Murrey

"Ho hoho! Been on the dwarven ale I see!" said another newcomer, Kull, while the ranger was being nosily sick against one of the rocks.

"I feel cwap..." he sniffed

"He looks a bit green." observed Kull

"He's been on the ale that has been in it's keg too long..." said Murrey as they looked on at the ranger, "It was discounted ye see..."

"Ahh , happy hour."

Just then the Wildwanderer broke into a fit of sobs

"There there..." said Murrey, rolling his eyes at the others

"*Sob* Murrey! You're me only friend! *hic!*"

"Sheesh, I fink dish al ish bad... I fink my eyes're going blind...."

"Sorry it took long!" yelled a voice from slightly below them, then Tarrek and Kunda appeared as they hiked up the hill

"Ahh! Hi guysh!" said the Wildwanderer, waving at them before falling over, "Ow. *hic*"

"We'll take him to the legendary farm and fix him up." said Aley

"I'sh shnot goin' to no funny farm!" declared the Wildwanderer loudly, "'Shgot carniv...ccorny... meat eating cowsh! Dash unnan...unnantuuur... not normal!"

"Oh dear, a drunken ranger?" said Tarrek, with some amusement, while his companions Kunda just looked on wearily

"These are you friends?" Kunda whispered to Tarrek with a raised eyebrow
Tarrek nodded and shrugged.

"So.. are you people on some sort of mission?" asked Kull

"Aye, I do... To get my 'friend' here back to town." Said Murrey

"I'ish tryin' to get to benshor to rez me dead friend..." slurred the Wildwanderer, trying valiantly to regain his balance and focus on the people in front of him.

"Ahh... what do you plan on doing next afterwards?"

"He's definitely had too much ale." said Kull, eyeing the ranger critically

"I'd say so..." agreed Tarrek

"Gah, 'elp me got to da temple and den talksh after.. me head hurst..."

"Okay then..." said Tarrek

"Fanksh! Err... witch way wosh it?" said the ranger, stumbling in a circle

"Here, this way!" said Murrey, grabbing the Wildwanderer's arm, "HERE!"

With that, the four of them continued towards Benzor, the ranger bouncing off rocks, trees, and them while following his unwieldy path.

As they moved towards the hill descent, the Wildwanderer suddenly tripped and fell down the hillside!


"Augh no!!" exclaimed Tarrek as he and the others ran down after him

"You alright?!" Murrey asked urgently as they reached the fallen ranger

The Wildwanderer looked up, giving them a dazed look, "I'sh Bobbin. Are you my muver? *hic*"

The other three looked at each other.

"I can't take this." said Murrey

"Right. New plan." said Tarrek. He grabbed the Wildwanderer's foot and started walking, dragging the disoriented ranger behind him

"I should have thought of that!" exclaimed Murrey as they all set off, the ranger complaining loudly and repeatedly as they crossed a bridge and climbed yet another hill,

"Ow! Oi! Look out for that OW, godshdamnit hey no OW..."

With a string of noisy curses following them, the party eventually approached the East Benzor gate

"Hellosh yoo shix peoplesh! *hic*" waved the Wildwanderer as they passed by two people talking to Grando

Nathell Benneseph and his companion turned from talking to 'the merchant', and waved back, "How's it... going...?" he stopped to take in this spectacle

"Alash'yah. No time, that one must get somewhere safe." said Kunda dismissive, gesturing at the Wildwanderer and carrying on walking

"Wesh going to benshor!!" said the Wildwanderer gleefully

Seeing the look on their faces, Tarrek explained sheepishly, "...uh sorry, but he is slightly drunk."

"I'm not pished!"

Nathell chuckled, "Riight... see you then..."

As they entered the gate, the Wildwanderer started yelling and kicking some more, "Aiieiee!!! COBBLESH!!!! I'LL WALK!!! I'LL WALK!!!!!!!" he cried, struggling to his feet

Kunda looked at the sky in dismay, "CHREH!"

"Hey I know where we ish!" said the Wildwanderer and half-lurched half-stumbled off towards the Benzor Temple. He burst in, yelled at the priest a lot, then threw a crushed up writ at him before collapsing in a heap over the temple portal

"Hello Kazarn! Thanks for saving me!" Semeki suddenly materialised next to the prone Wildwanderer

"HELLO SHEM! *hic* I reshed yoo like I shed I wood! *hic*"

"Oh dear..." said Semeki, looking at the ranger

"Yes I had to drag him most of the way here..." said Tarrek

"*hic* Yoo know, I fink yoo might be right.. I fink I might be a bit pished...." said the Wildwanderer as he lay on the floor looking at Murrey's feet.

Just then a woman walked into the temple

"Hello Jalia." said Tarrek with a wave

"Hi there!" she said returning his wave, "Pardon me, but are there any here who could use a unique longbow?"

"Kazarn here uses them, but he can't talk right now... he is a bit drunk." said Tarrek

"Alash'yah Jalia.... Can you do something about him?" said Kunda, pointing at the Wildwanderer

"'ere, oosh dat?" said the Wildwanderer, squinting, "Loosh like... a woman..."

Murrey cuffed the Wildwanderer over the head


"I don't think I can do much, not in the temple especially." Jalia said with an amused half-grin, her fingers unconsciously running through the motions for a magic missile

"I can do it even harder, lemme do it." Tarrek said to Murrey

"ARGH!" screamed the Wildwanderer as he ended a short flight, displacing several benches where he landed, "HELPSH! MURDER! POLISH!"



"A weird pack we have here..." observed Tarrek

"It's good to have good friends to rely on like Kaz here.." said Semeki sardonically, "He never lets me down!"

"YEASH! *HIC!*" yelled the Wildwanderer from the far end of the room

"He's gonna be alright?" asked Semeki, slightly concerned

"Only a bit drunk..." said Murrey dismissive

"Hey!" said Tarrek as the Wildwanderer stumbled out of the temple

The others ran after him, and caught up with him as he bumped into Galdor's hind leg

"Watch out for the dragon!" cried Semeki

"*oof* Oi! Movesh out da way!" slurred the Wildwanderer

"Sorry mister dragon, my friend he's just drunk.." explained Murrey hurridly

The Wildwanderer peered up through bleary eyes "Oh, ish yoo Galdor!" he looked again through diverging eyes, "I dint know yoush had a twinsh! *hic*"

The dragon sighed and gently batted him away. The Wildwanderer, guided by some unknown hand, stumbled towards the Salty Dog.

"Ah, look at the sundial! I have a performance!!" exclaimed Murrey as they ran past after the drunk ranger, "Sorry you guys, take care of 'im!" said the halfling apologetically as he rapidly disappeared into the depths of Benzor.

"Son of a..." muttered Tarrek, "Okay, fine then." he continued before grabbing the Wildwanderer and dragging him to the Salty Dog Tavern

"HEY! Wait! Where are you going?!?" yelled Semeki, hurrying after him

"Oooh! ALESH!"

"Well met, traveller! May I quench your thirst with some strong drink?" greeted the barkeep as Tarrek entered

"He doesn't need anyyyyyyyyy!" wailed Semeki, desperately dragging him away

"Right, what in the nine hells are we supposed to do with him?" asked Tarrek after they successfully dragged the ranger back outside gathered outside the inn

"Hmm we need to get him to rest... I have a house he can stay at. Its over near the dragon."

"You mean.. in Trommel Woods???"

"No no, the one in the square."

"Ahh... you mean Galdor."

"Yea. I'll go unlock the door.. That and i have to clean up some things, wasn't expecting company!"

"Frankly I don't think you should bother." said Tarrek, throwing a glance at the Wildwanderer

With that, they walked over to Semeki's house, and went in.

"This is my house, welcome! Go on in!"

"Hey, I lived here before!" said Tarrek with surprise

"Nish playsh...." slurred the Wildwanderer, "*HURK*, Wheresh da barf-room!?!?!?"

"...and that's my bedroom, feel free to use it..." Semeki was saying to Tarrek

"Yooo shhure?! Hokay..."

"NO! *sigh* Anyway, this is the spare bedroom. Don't mind the glowing things and the horrible looking alter, it was left over from the previous owners." said Semeki offhandedly

The Wildwanderer went to lie on the cot, missed and ended up flat on the hard floor.

"Ut oh, he's out cold." observed Semeki. With a shrug, they left, Semeki giving the others a tour of his home, while the Wildwanderer lay unconsious on the floor, occasionally muttering about "The Evil!" and "Big Badger Army!"

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