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Interlude: Mad Drow and Irishmen

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Interlude: Mad Drow and Irishmen

Post by Cyker »

Interlude: Mad Drow and Irishmen


Wolfwood stumbled through the portal, exiting into the Kazarn's abode.

"Wolfwood? Y' 3 days late! What happened to y'?!" cried a surprised Wildwanderer

"*gruu* No shoutz pleesh... aww my hed..."

"Ye gods, y' drunk?! Wha' happened?!"

"*cringe* Pleesh shop shouting! Argh! Hed... shpin... me tellsh... jush be shhhhh..... it all sharted like dish..."

Chapter 1: Why half-orcs don't make good trackers

Wolfwood had just exited the portal into Nordock, and found himself on the great floating construct called Gateway.

As more people arrived, some of them somewhat bewildered, Wolfwood spied Snarl. He was peering intently at a sign posted on a wooden board.

A Wooden Board

"Hullowz Snarl!" yelled Wolfwood

"GAH!" exclaimed Snarl, startled, "Gah, yooz make me loose place!"

"Wot yooz doing?"

"Me reading diz sign!"

"Wot it say?"

"Me dunno. Me not got dat far yet."

As they talked, a sizeable gathering had arrived. Wolfwood and Snarl overheard several people reading the sign out loud...

"So... we goez lookz for diz drow and diz bard an' get dem toogevva an we getz free stuff?" asked Wolfwood, his sizeable eyebrows furrowing

"Uh. Yuz." said Snarl unconvincingly


Wolfwood jumped and whirled around, "AAH! Iz Many Drill! Hide meez! Hide meez!!" he yelled running off. Snarl stepped surreptitiously away from the young elf girl as she giggled evilly.

"What is this?" she suddenly demanded, peering at the sign, "AHA!"

The others had also read the signs around, and everyone began gravitating together into small parties so search for the wandering bard and the drow.

"Join da orc partee! We got da bestest partee! Free foood!" hollered Wolfwood. As the groups became more cohesive, their party found itself reduced down to Wolfwood, Snarl and a confused looking Elf as people seemed to mysteriously gravitate away, mostly in Menedhriel's direction.

The group situation sorted out, they began discussing their plans...

"I finks Kaz an me will check out da pubs." declared Snarl

"One group around Benzor, another around Brosna, the third on islands perhaps?" said one lady, Svenja

"Do we separate and meet at a predesignated time back in Benzor?" asked Menedhriel

"We don't have to go look for them below ground, do we?" asked another, Fade Jr'eivra

"First we must find this bard... Phranc. He will be above ground for definite." said Menedhriel flatly

The two half-orcs stood there, the increasingly jumbled conversation wafting blissfully over their heads.

"Wot dey saying?" asked Wolfwood

"I dunnos Kaz." replied Snarl

Abruptly, the conversation ended and the parties headed for the portals that would take them out of Gateway and into Nordock proper. Snarl and Wolfwood stood there.

"Where weez going?"

"Okies Kaz, elfman we goes checks out pubs, start wif salty dog!" said Snarl, running towards the portal.

Wolfwood ran after him, followed by the bewildered elf.

A quick portal jump later and they found themselves in the Salty Dog

"Hrm mayb himz iz in this beer barrel!" said Snarl

"Well met, traveller! May I quench your thist with some strong drink?" the proprieter asked

"Ya! Gimme wun hunnerd alez!" said Wolfwood with glee

"Half orcs..." the elf muttered to himself, shaking his head. He knew that unless he wanted to spend the rest of the night dodging drunk half-orc vomit he'd have to take charge, and quickly. "Alright, listen up you two! We're not here to get drunk, we're here to look for that bard! Now follow me!"

"Aww..." chorussed the orcs, but they followed him, albeit reluctantly, out of the pub.

As they emerged from the Salty Dog, they were almost knocked over by Fade as she ran past,

"Oh! Hello!" she stammered, "Where are you searching?"

"We checks all pubs!" said Snarl with a toothy grin

"No we are not!" bellowed the elf

"Awww..." chorused the orcs. Fade suppressed a giggle.

"My name is Fade by the way. So where are you going to search?"

"My name is Elorfirin. Well met!" said the elf, "And to be honest, we haven't decided yet. We can go West, North or East. I was thinking East..."

"I finks him tailor, so mebbe himz huntin'" piped up Snarl, "Wot yooz fink Kaz?"

As they talked, Fade heard footsteps. Looking up, she spotted an approaching figure, "Hello Svenja!" she called, and sure enough Svenja had just stepped off the pier, "Seems we both got a bit lost...".

"We are discussing our search plans... where are you headed? West?" Elorfirin asked the newcomer

"Well then, west it is?" asked Fade

"West iz wot?" asked Snarl, confused

"Time is ticking away..." said Fade impatiently, trying to ignore Snarl

"So, west, then south to Trondor?" asked Svenja

"Perhaps Svenja and I should check the nearest forests?" suggested Fade.

"Wot bout norf? We go looks norf? Not need diz much peoplez to look wezt." suggested Wolfwood

Svenja thought about this for few seconds, "Okay, me and Fade will check West. You three go North. Meet back here when you finish your sweeps!" and with that, the two women ran off westwards.

"Me no cleena!" said Snarl, confusion etched on his features, "Wot me sweeping for?"

Elorfirin shook his head despairingly, "Just follow me!"

With the two bewildered half-orcs in tow, Elorfirin ran north for the Benzor Woods.

"Okay, lets start our search here."

"Okayz. FRANK! FRANK! IZ YOOZ HERE?!" bellowed Snarl

Elorfirin cringed as half the animals in the forest scattered at Snarl's shout, "No! I said look for them!"

"No yooz dint, yooz juz sed search!" said Wolfwood

"Gah!" Elorfirin cried out in exasperation, "Look, I'm the ranger, let me do the tracking!"

"Uh. Okayz."

Elorfirin closed his eyes, calming his senses. Opening his eyes again, he began to search for any signs of the elusive Bard. His senses intensified, his eyes seeing every little detail, his ears hearing every tiny sound. ...

"LOOKZ! BADGERZ!!" exclaimed Snarl

Elorfirin screamed in fright and fell over a log. His concentration now completely shattered.

"Oooh! Lez go pet dem!" yelled Wolfwood happily and ran after Snarl

Elorfirin looked to the sky in despair, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?!"

He turned back to Snarl and Wolfwood and trotted reluctantly after them.

"I iz tryin to pets dem but dem stops movin!" said Snarl, eyebrows furrowing, as he inadvertantly crushed another badger

"Gah!! Stop that!" Elofirin cried as Wolfwood and Snarl continued to decimate the local badger population with their terrifying petting attack, "Come on... EWWWW!!!!"

"Uh. Oops." said Wolfwood with a sheepish/guilty look, as badger chunks dripped down from his apron, "Uh... dat wernt me... it esploded! Oniiz own!"

"Shut up shut up SHUT UP!!! Look... I... GAH!!" Elorfirin yelled before storming off in exasperation. The two half-orcs shrugged and hurried after him.

"I fink diz elf iz nutz." whispered Snarl


They soon found themselves passing through the Zhengi highlands. Elorfirin continued his vain attempts to search for signs of the missing bard, while the two half-orcs kept disrupting his concentration by throwing in enthusiastic but completely worthless suggestions. This was probably why no one noticed the large dog.


Elofirin whirled round, bow drawn and arrow notched in an instant.

"Dat not good noyze..." said Wolfwood turning round slowly

"Oooh, izza doggie!" said Snarl, "Hooz a good doggie!"

The large hound growled louder as Snarl went closer to it, his petting hand at the ready. With a loud bark the dog leapt at Snarl!

"ARGH! Geddoffs! Bad dog!" he cried out as it bowled him to the ground

"Kill it you fools!" yelled Elorfirin as he loosed the arrow at the dog. It bit deep into the dog's side, and with an enraged roar the dog turned and leapt for Elorfirin!
The elf's reflexes were up to the task, and he dived out of the way. Wolfwood did not have such good reflexes however.

"Argh! Heez trying to bite my fayce offz!" he yelled as he tried to scramble away. The hound tore his backpack off, shook it around before tossing it backwards, then clamped it's jaws round one of Wolfwood's ankles. Wolfwood felt the jaws tighten, but then the pressure was suddenly gone!

He got up to see the dog panting heavily, swaying, then it was suddenly being violently sick into the river.

"Bad doggie!" roared Snarl and punched it in the head. The dog didn't get back up.

Wolfwood gathered up his backpack, lamenting at the rent in the side where some of his belongings had spilled out.

"Wudda wazte uv good food..." he said sadly.

"Oh don't worry, there'll be plenty of food today! GET THEM!"

The three of them spun to face the new threat as the Zhengi hoard charged down towards them!

"Aww crap." lamented Wolfwood as he dropped his distressed bag and fumbled for his shield

Elorfirin loosed arrow after arrow, blunting the initial wave as Snarl charged in, his massive scythe out and baying for blood!

Wolfwood continued to fumble for his scimitar, then realised he'd only had only brought his meat tenderiser with him.

With a resigned shrug, he hefted his shield and charged after Snarl.

Elorfirin's arrows had greatly reduced the numbers of the first wave, and with a single swipe Snarl dispatched the rest of them. He changed his stance, ready to meet the second wave when a fiery rock bounced off his head.


"Look out! Up there!" Elorfirin yelled in warning as he directed his stream of arrows towards the group of Zhengi now slinging stones at them from the ridge above.

Wolfwood ducked behind his shield as a rain of firey rocks suddenly began pelting off him. Snarl was ignoring the sling bullets as they bounced off him. He was already engaged with the second wave, his scythe sending bodyparts flying in all directions when Wolfwood charged in behind his shield, bowling over several of the Zhengi and giving Snarl more room.

Between Snarl's scythe and Wolfwood's tenderiser the second wave was soon halted as well.

"Release the hounds!" cried one of the slingers angrily. In response, a cacophony of howls and growls erupted and a score of hounds rushed down the hill at them!

"Me get dogz, Snarl getz dem rock froarz!" yelled Wolfwood, as the two half-orcs charged up the hill towards the hounds.

They both collided with a great crash as teeth, blade, claw and shield met in frenzy of chaotic fighting.

Snarl fought his way through the tide while Wolfwood tried to push them back with his shield, occasionally giving them a good whack with his tenderizer. The slingers had gotten closer to give them a better angle, but this also gave Elorfirin a better angle!

Just as another volley of fiery rocks pattered into Wolfwood and Snarl, Elorfirin let loose his own volley, cutting down several of them in quick succession. In the confusion, Snarl broke through the line of dogs and charged into the stone slingers.

With the dogs momentarily distracted, Wolfwood began bopping them over their heads with his tenderiser. It barely hurt them, but the game-stunning enchantments bestowed on it worked with equal effectiveness on the troublesome canines!

Snarl had already dispatched the stone-slingers. In close quarters, they were no match for the huge half-orc and his equally huge scythe, and could now look forward to being snacked on by their surviving former comrades-in-arms. Literally.

"Geddova here an' helpz meez! Hurry upz!" yelled Wolfwood as he continued bashing the dogs over the head with his tenderiser. Snarl and Elorfirin ran forwards to help, Elorfirin switching to his blades now the the dogs had been subdued, and they quickly had all the hounds sent the way of the Bad Doggie.

"I dont finks Frank go dis place." said Snarl as he wiped the bits of blood and fur off his scythe blade.

"Me neither." said Elorfirin

"Maybe he norf morez?" suggested Wolfwood.

Elorfirin shrugged.

"Okay, diz way den!" said Wolfwood and they followed him further north.

After half an hour they arrived at a large wooden gate. There was what appeared to be a halfling standing near a small observation tower of some sort.

"Lemme arkse diz guy if he seen dat geeza." said Wolfwood, approaching the halfling, "Hullowz! Haz yooz seen bard?"

"YOU WILL NOT PREVAIL!" screamed the halfling and proceeded to call down huge columns of fire and lightning on a group of deer who were idly munching on some grass near the gate.

"Uh.. me takez dat az nose..." said Wolfwood, backing away surreptitiously. They hastily went through the gate, leaving the halfling to his war against the deer.

As they got further north, Elorfirin began to shiver.

"Woz wrong?" asked Snarl

"Cold... cold... " said Elorfirin

"Me got fix for dat!" said Wolfwood, rummaging in his pack. Elorfirin had already backed away considerably when Wolfwood found what he was looking for.

"Eat diz! It keep yooz warm!" he beamed, holding out a fist-sized coal-like object.

"NO! No! I'm okay, really!" said Elorfirin with a weak smile

"In dat caze...!" said Snarl as he snatched the Meat Surprise out of Wolfwood's hand, "Mmmm!" he said before biting into it with an almight crunch. Elorfirin cringed.

They continued northwards, Elorfirin's half-entertained idea for advancing stealthily was quickly as shattered as the bits of Meat Surprise carapace that Snarl left behind him. As he was masticating the charred snack, Snarl seemed to think it didn't feel as cold as it did before.

After what seemed like an eternity of walking, the unlikely trio finally arrived at the mouth of a cave.

"I do not think we will find him in there." said Elorfirin flatly. The two half-orcs ignored him and continued into the cave. With a sigh the elven ranger followed them in.

"FRANC!!! FRANC!! IZ YOOZ IN HEYA?!?!??!" bellowed Wolfwood, his shout echoing round the inside of the cave.

"FRANK, if yooz iz deres sing for uz!" yelled Snarl, cupping hands behind his ears to try to hear better

"Yooz seez any trakz or stuffs?" asked Wolfwood

"Yes, but none that would belong to a bard. Unless he's 20ft tall. Or a dragon." said Elorfirin mock-casually, stamping his feet and breathing on his hands to try and stop himself from freezing.

"Shh! I iz listnin'" said Snarl in a loud whisper.

"ARGH!! BEHIND UZ!!!" yelled Wolfwood suddenly, making Snarl jump with a yell of surprise

"Water elementals!" hissed Elorfirin, backing away as they advanced

"Diz not good... dey drown me wunce alreddy... me not like geddin drown in sumwunz body flooidz... iz not high-jean-nik!" said Wolfwood worridly

Elorfirin's expression suddenly lit up as an inspired idea hit him. He ran round the back of Wolfwood and began rummaging in his pack.

"Hey! Me not dat kinda orc!" protested Wolfwood as Elorfirin pulled out a lumpy bag through the rent in Wolfwoods pack, "Oi! Waidasec!"

Ignoring him, Elorfirin lobbed the bag into the air. It landed with a dull crunch, spilling it's contents amidst the large group of advancing elementals.

"Noooo!" howled Snarl and Wolfwood in unison as Elorfirin notched an arrow. He released it, and the deadly shaft flew towards it's target with uneering accuracy. The arrow hit one of the coal-like objects on the floor, bouncing off it with a large spark.

There was a loud pop, followed almost immediately by a deafening wall of sound that threw the trio backwards out of the cave as a multitude of explosions detonated, vapourising the elementals instantly, and probably anything else in the cave too.

As the explosions subsided, the trio got groggily to their feet. A howl of rage emenated from the cave.

"Me fink weez betta go. Nowz." said Snarl

"Noooo!" Wolfwood sobbed

"Shuddup!" yelled Snarl, grabbing him and dragging him away from the cave

"Ye gods, the smell! Even this far away!" complained Elorfirin as the three of them ran away from the cave

Their adrenaline-boosted sprint soon had them back at the gate. Snarl leaned heavily against the now-closed gate, breathing heavily. Wolfwood settled for collapsed on the grass while gasping and wheezing.

"You need some exercise..." observed Elorfirin, supressing a grin. His mood dampened as he considered their total lack of any leads on the whereabouts of the elusive bard.

"Hey, me got idea!" said Snarl suddenly.

"Oh? What?" asked Elorfirin, surprised.

"We takes dat guy dat kill dem white deers and dress him up like bard!" he said with a proud grin

Elorfirin turned away and walked south.

"Hey, waitupz! Wot yooz fink of Snarl plan??"

Wolfwood, watching the two of them walk off, swore, struggled to his feet and tottered off after them.

The odd party had just re-entered Zhengi territory when Elforfirin spied a figure running towards them from far in the distance.

"Be wary, someone approaches!" he called to the others, warily notching an arrow but not drawing it.

"Issa woman." said Snarl after some time

"Sheez gotta stik." added Wolfwood

Chapter 2: Bravo Team, we found the Bard!
"Hello. I'm Lorena." she said as she approached them, "You must be Elorfirin, and they must be Snarl and Wolfwood I take it?"

Elorfirin responded with a tired nod.

"Ah! I come bearing good news - Fade and I have found the bard!"

"THANK THE GODS!" Elorfirin exclaimed, throwing a glance at Wolfwood and Snarl, "Will y' take us to him? Where is he?"

"He is in the Temple of Life in Benzor, I will show you! First things first however, have you seen Menedhriel's party?"

"No...." said Elorfirin slowly, "Why?"

"Ah, no reason." replied Lorena, "Come, let's go!"

"Duz wez need 'nuver search partee?" Wolfwood asked Snarl as they ran back towards Benzor

"Me hopez not!" said Snarl

Jalia Alma, Svenja Tempestas and several others were already present, waiting with a dapper gent inside the Temple of Life.

Suddenly the Temple door burst open and Elorfirin and Lorena burst into the temple.

"Oh lordy!" exclaimed the dapper gent in surprise

"Hi everyone!" called Jalia

"That's him over there," Lorena said to Elorfirin, pointing at the dapper gent, "Phranc Blach!"

Before anyone could say anything further there was a loud slam as the door was flung open yet again,

"Hey deres!" exclaimed Snarl. A large red shape followed behind him,

"I fink I iz dyin!" wheezed Wolfwood, bracing himself against a wall for support.

"You guys are slow..." said Elorfirin. He turned to Phranc, "So you're the elusive bard..."

"Aye! That I am!" replied Phranc, shaking Elorfirin's hand vigorously "So when do I meet this Irish chap, what did you say his name was? Dan O'Cleese?"

"Soon." reassured Svenja, a slightly confused look on her features

Phranc paused to give Snarl a curious look, "Lookit this guy! Hes gotta chicken on his head...", he pointed, "Look! Chicken!"

Snarl looked up, "Me no got no chikken on hed!", he said, patting the vaguely chicken-shaped helmet on his head

Elorfirin sighed and sidled up to Phranc, "Please, leave him be. We will be here for a ten-day otherwise...!"

"Oi, haz yooz lot *puff* fownd Many Drillz yet?" called Wolfwood, from his position braced against the wall

"Drills?" asked Elorfirin, confused

Before any one could reply, there was an even louder crash from the doorway, accompanied by a small shower of wood chips.

A huge metal biped strode through the dust.

"HELLO" it said simply

"Whoa! Golem! Bashes it!" yelled Snarl

"ARGH!" shouted Wolfwood

"Eek!" exclaimed Fade

The construct swept it's gaze over the assembled search party, finally settling on Phranc, "DANOCLEASE SEARCHES FOR A BARD. PHRANC, COME." it boomed.

"Wowser! Is that Dan O'Cleese?" asked Phranc, slightly nervously, as the construct turned and strode through the sorry-looking door again.

"NO. HE AWAITS. COME." a voice boomed from outside

"Let's not keeping him waiting." said Jalia, moving to follow him

"We'll watch over you." said Fade, as the rest of them followed Jalia

"Where weez going?" asked Snarl as they jogged past Galdor, following the golem

"I duzzn no! Me chazing bard!" panted Wolfwood


"COME BACKS BARD!!! WHERE YOOZ GO?!?" Wolfwood yelled breathlessly

Chapter 3: Songs of Paraphrase

The two half-orcs quickly found themselves at the back of the party as they exited the East Benzor gate.

"Waits for uz!" called Snarl, half-dragging the rapidly-expiring Wolfwood

As they continued their epic run, they spied their party gathered around Phranc and a a tall dark-skinned man. The golem-construct was standing near this man, along with several other new-comers.

"Ah bwael you found them Thorn." the dark-skinned man said to the golem.

He was interrupted when Wolfwood and Snarl barrelled into the small gathering. Snarl let go of his companion and leaned heavily on his scythe to catch his breath. Wolfwood collapsed on the floor, his full-plate apron making a loud clattering noise amidst the loud wheezing.

"That was a good run." said Elorfirin with a smirk

"Poor half orcs! I wish I had a beer with us!" said Svenja, bending over to check that Wolfwood was, in fact, okay, despite the ragged gasping noises.

"Where did you find Phranc?" one of the new-comers asked, Kalia Neren

"Ornal pass." said Lorena

"Yes, Fade, Jalia and Lorena and I found him!" added Svenja proudly

The dark-skinned man regarded them with a look of disdain, before turning slightly to address Phranc, "The bard himself I presume?" he said in a low monotone.

"Yep! And I presume you're Mr O'Cleese?" replied Phranc with a chirpy grin, "I hear ya are looking for me!"

"I am Danoclease." replied the drow, his eyes glowing slightly as the sun began to wane

Phranc took a closer look at the man and then took a startled step back.

"Hey!" he whispered to the rest of his party, "He ain't irish... HES A DROW!! RUN!! HIDEE!"

Before he could move however, the golem known as Thorn was suddenly behind him, and had an iron hand clamped firmly on his shoulder.

"Erk. *ow* Lil' tight there fella..." Phranc muttered to Thorn

"It was very lucky Kalia found me," began Danoclease, ignoring what was happening, "My own party abandoned me..." he continued with a touch of annoyance in his voice, "Ha, well, except Thorn but we got separted. Aein ran away..."

"You didnt seek Phranc will ill intent did you sir?" asked Jalia, hand casually resting on hilt

Danoclease looked at her curiously, "Not at all! I seek music for the masses!" he exclaimed, a slightly manic look in his eyes

"Ah... y' came to the right man!" said Phranc, "I kin make some wonderful music! Here... listen to this..."

"Yes, play for us bard. If I am pleased I might not kill you!" said Danoclease with a laugh. Phranc winced only a little.

They waited as Phranc rummaged through his pack, finally pulling out a badly-mangled looking instrument.

"Here... I made this instrument last night. Half tamborine, half mandolin. I call it a mandoleeen!"


"Ah, begone Thorn, let us see what he can do." said Danoclease with a casual wave of his hand, and with that Thorn faded from view.

"Righty!" said Phranc, and with that, Phranc began to sing:

Oh gorm wont you sell meeee yer chain mail +1
A battle is coming! My armor is gone!
Without some protection yer servant is done!
Oh gorm wont you give me that chain maiillllllllll plussssssssssssss onnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And with an indescribable florish in the last riffs, Phranc finished his opening tune.

"Yahay!" cried Svenja, clapping

"Yeah!" cheered Fade, "Bravo!"


Wolfwood and Snarl were cheering, "We sing too!"


Menedhriel sat bolt-upright "AARRG! EH WHAT! WHO! Ack... what happened? I had this horrible dream.." she began as the half-orcs launched into an encore, "The wail of the orcs!! Run for you life!!"

As the horrible noise subsided, everyone unclamped their hands from their ears.

"Very... unusual..." said Svenja weakly, "Lets ah, let Phranc have another go."

"Yes, please." said Danoclease, shaking his head and hitting one side of his head with his palm.

Phanc flashed everyone a winning smile and started tapping his foot. Svenja and Fade started clapping in time, then the bard launched into another song:

Oh immmmmm dreaming of a crysssstalll ballll!
Just like the one i had last falllllllll!
When ogrrrrees a came!
And smashed up .. tha plane...
And left me defenseless and alllllll!

"Thankyou! Thankyou!" beamed Phranc to another round of cheers

"The musicians in underdark just dont have the rhythm you do," commented Danoclease, "No matter how much I threaten and torture them, they just play worse!"

Phranc cringed only a little.

"Which surface noble are you enslaved to Phranc?"

"Errmmm... enslaved? Uh,... me ownself?"

"A musician that isn't a slave?!"

"The ways of the surface world are not like that of Lloths decree Danoclease." a soft voice muttered from behind Danoclease, Zhordikahn, "If you got out of the Underdark more you'd know this..."

"Hmmm..perhaps slaves are not good for that role..." said Danolcease thoughtfully, "However there are no bards that are drow freemen."

"Well... ta be honest... I didnt picture drow bards..." Phranc muttered, half to himself

"Ehey!" exclaimed a voice. Everyone turned to see who it was.

"Hey, derez Murrey!" said Snarl

"Hi everyone! So, did I miss the party? Ah, lord Phranc!" said Murrey offering the other bard a bow

Phranc returned the bow, "Ah, you're the hobbit bard Murrey Wristburrow! Care to join me in a duet?"

"Always! Would you care to take the tone?" said Murrey with a grin and a bow

"A duet! Woo!" cried Jalia

Phranc handed Snarl a normal tambourine, "Care to accompany us big guy?"

"Uh... okayz..." said Snarl, looking dumbly at the tambourine, "Wot I duz wif dis?".

"Ya just pound on it to the rhythm of the song!"

"Oh, okayz." said Snarl. He looked at Wolfwood.

"OW! He not sed hit me wiv OW! Look yooz stop dat now coz OW! Hey dat not no funz yooz OW..."

And with Wolfwood's backing track, Snarl's accompanyment and Fade, Svenja, Jalia and everyone else clapping along, Murrey and Phranc launched into an improvised duet!

With Murrey and Phranc's interweaving melodies, the song began to build when they were were rudely interrupted.

"Oi!" squeeked a voice, "Yoous make too much noise, noisy tall ones! We shut yoose up!" and with the the small band of Anti-Noise-Pollution goblins attacked the group. A lesson in futility really...

But the interruption did have a bright side.

"BOOOZE!!!!" roared Snarl as he looted one of the Goblins. The others checked, and indeed the goblins were inexplicably loaded to the gills with ale!

The ad-hoc concert quickly degenerated into a chugging contest.

"I don't know where they got this stuff but it's great!" said Jalia as she grabbed another bottle

Wolfwood and Snarl said nothing, instead concentrating on sheer volume, both in drink consumed and amplitude of burp.

"... and so this results in a booze competiton..." said Svenja, eyeing the already-inebriated party folk as they stumbled around

"It would appear so..." agreed Fade, shaking her head

"This reminds me of the time I had to drag Kazarn Wildwanderer..." began Tarrek

"Ah! No! I'm still trying to forget that!" cried out Murrey, suddenly aquiring a nervous twitch

"Hey! Waish!" slurred Wolfwood, scrabbling for a lumpy bag in his pack and tossing it over to Snarl, "Met Surr*hic*prizez, Muzakz and Alez!! Diz propar partee in dar woodz!" he declared loudly before falling forwards and smacking into a tree with a loud thud.

"Ugh meat surprise.... I have nightmares about that one too!" moaned Murrey, "Ugh... I still remember that horrible time behind the pine tree...". As he was lamenting, Snarl handed him an ale. He blinked at it, shurgged and quaffed it.

"Hrmph. Drunkards. I think it is time for me to go." snorted Menedhriel, giving the rest of them a disgusted look before striding away.

"See yuz many drillz..." slurred Wolfwood from his horizontal position at the base of a tree

"Yooze want shum toosh?" Snarl said to Svenja and Fade

"No thanks strong fella..." replied Fade, backing away from Snarl's formidable breath

Svenja gagged before replying, "Us? Oh.. ahem... ehm.. do you have anything more suitable for... ladies? A wine...?"

"Uhh... how bout dish wun?" Snarl said, handing her a bottle.

"Err, it says 'Winedow Cleena'..." said Svenja uncertainly, "I don't think this was part of the goblin's ale stash..."

"Lemme chek." said Snarl, before downing the whole lot, "Tazte like...." he paused.


Fade nudged her friend, "Quick! Lets get away from him before he comes round!"

Murrey stumbled around and tripped over Snarl. He was struggling to his feet, when Snarl suddenly got up too. The halfling found himself hanging on for dear life,

"Hey, lookit that guy.... he'sh got a halfling on hish hed!" said Phranc, pointing at Murrey and Snarl before falling over in a fit of hysterics

"Heeeeyyyllllp!" cried Murrey, quickly snapping back into horrible, horrible sobriety.

Wolfwood made a determined effort to stand up, and, with the aid of the tree he was up against, managed it. He tried to walk, but couldn't get his legs to move...

"Dat funny, mesh no moovingsh..." he began

"Lemme helpsh..." slurred Snarl, giving him a shove. With another clatter of full-plate apron, Wolfwood found himself horizontal again.


Chapter 4: Why you should never come late to a party.

Shalaquin De Gael and Noirin Maudur arrived later that night. They'd heard about the spontaneous concert and had come along out of curiosity.

They was greeted by the sight of Svenja and Fade playing some sort of game involving 20-sided dice, and a pile of half-orcs and humans and halflings in a mostly-comatose heap on the grass.

"Hehe! *sniff sniff* you ok there!" exclaimed Shalaquin questioningly

"Wuh? Hoo sed dat?" said Wolfwood, on the verge of unconsiounsess

"Mae govannen! What happened here?!"

"Hellow Noirin!" said Svenja, looking up from her dice game

"Hello Svenja! How did the activities go?" said Noririn with a wry grin as he looked at the half-orc heap

Svenja began to recount the tale "Well, Phranc was looking for a certain drow to play a performance. We were spreading out to find Phranc and Dan,"

"A drow! Oh my no!" piped up Shalaquin

"Yes, it wasn't a pretty discovery..." commented Fade


"...Neither was that I would say..." said Noirin, taking a discreet step back from the half-orcs

"Yes kind of........argh..." said Shalaqin, also shuffling backwards

"Me stum-ack need fix..." complained Wolfwood

"A cleric ye be there big guy?" asked Noirin

"Wuh...? An' shop movin' sho lee man shooksh at coosh... uh...."

"Anyway," continued Svenja, ignoring the half-orcs, "Phranc was playing a few performances here, and finally a duet with Murray! Everyone was dancing around, and it ended in a big booze party." she paused, looking at the unconsious bodies sprawled everywhere.

"Yes, booze.. they all got quite drunk..." commented Fade

"Yes... I see..." said Noirin

"oh dear! tsk tsk!" said Shalaquin

"Dont play the fool shala... you been drinkin all day!" countered Noirin with a laugh

"tis true! oh the shame..." lamented Shalaquin, his head drooping


"gods! what a reek!" complained Shalaquin, moving even further away from the half-orc heap

"Irgh...!" exclaimed Svenja, covering her nose

"Guh... parden meez.... *hic*" slurred Wolfwood, "Shumwun helsh ush gesh to shebor... uh... beshor... uh..."

The four still left standing looked at each other sheepishly, not wanting to go near them,

"None of us can carry them I think..." said Svenja slowly

"I got an idea!" piped up a voice, Murrey, recovered slightly from his 7ft drop from Snarl's head.

Captain Tucker was making his rounds as usual. He'd just finished having 'A Word' with Argyle again for picking fights with everyone, and was looking forward to a nice quiet patrol near the East Benzor gate. He'd just begun his rounds when the gate was suddenly flung open, and Svenja, Noirin, Fade and Shalaquin strode in, dragging a pile of bodies on a bark sled, with Murrey bringing up the rear.

"Hold there citizens!" Tucker shouted as he ran towards them

"It's okay 'hofficer, they ain't dead, they're just sleeping!" said Murrey with a grin as the pile of bodies was dragged past the dumbfounded Tucker. Snarl waved at him as he was dragged passed.

Tucker shook his head and turned away, "I need to get a transfer..." he muttered. Then suddenly he whirled round, "Hey, you're that halfling wanted for murder!"

"Wha?!?! Oh yeah. ARGH!!!" screamed Murrey as he ran off.

"Get back here!" yelled Tucker as he gave chase.

Svenja smirked, shook her head and signaled at the others to continue their journey to the Temple of Life.


Disclaimer: At least 40% of this happened. Sortof.

Starkle starkle.. little twink....
who the heck you are I think...
Im not under what they call...
The alcofluence of incohol...
Im not drunk as thinkle peep...
Im just a little slort of sheep...
Sho jush one more to cill my fup...
Ive all day shober to shunday up....
-- Some drunk person in IRC
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