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Day of the Timemachine

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Day of the Timemachine

Post by Cyker »

Day of the Timemachine (DOTT)

Prologue: Miss Multiverse
Wolfwood sneaked quietly out of the portal and crept as quietly as orcly possible down the main corridor of the Kazarn Construct. He made it to the central chamber without incident.

He opened the door a fraction, wincing as the hinges squealed, and peered inside. Satisfied that there wasn't anyone in there, he went in and quickly shut the door behind him before bolting towards the door opposite that would lead to the safety of 'The Kitchen'.

He fumbled the lock open and quickly yanked open the door, only to find himself face to face with Bob.

The half-balor looked at him in surprise.

"*OH HI WOLFY. I WAS JUST...*" Bob squinted at the orc, "*WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT LIPSTICK?!*"

Wolfwood yelped and slammed the door in Bob's face, running to the one that would eventually take him to either the Spelljammer hanger bays or to the chaotic soup of Limbo that was Outside.

Just before he got to it, Koraf and Shadestep walked in. They nodded him in greeting, then did a double-take.

"Uh... hi!" the orc tried, grinning maniacally.

"Uh... Wolfy..." Koraf's gravely voice wavered. He paused with an embarrassed cough.

"WhydoyouhaveRIBBONSinyourhair?!" Shadestep screeched, clapping his hands to the side of his wide-eyed face, "IsthatBLUSHER?!"

"Me not wanna talk 'bout it!" Wolfwood said sullenly.

"Is that a dress?!" Reylar's incredulous voice called from behind him.

Wolfy spun round and nearly howled; During his dash he'd apparently dropped his haversack and its contents were scattered accusingly across the middle of the room.

"Me can eggz-plane! But me not wanna!" the orc declared quietly.

Reylar tilted his head, "Y' know what, tha's fine. I don't *want* t' know..."

"We do!" Shadestep and Koraf snickered, leering at the orc.

"*AND WHAT'S THAT?*" Bob pulled up crumpled piece of paper, "*'HEY DARLING, MEET ME IN MY CHAMBERS IN TEN MINUTES FOR SOME SWEET LOVE'?!*" Bob looked back to Wolfwood. Despite the fact his head was a flaming mask of bone, he still managed to effect a horrified and queasy expression. Slowly, he gingerly held out the paper at arms length in two of his razor-sharp claws before dropping it and shrinking away. Even demons can be grossed out by some things.

"I *really* don't want to know." Reylar said, holding his hands out and backing away.

As he did so, Grace's kitten, Nick, jumped off his shoulder and strolled towards Wolfwood's spilt pack, exploring it for more bits of Meat Surprise.
It looked up when it encountered a pair of feet in cheerful bunny-shaped slippers, which ascended to a long grey beard attached to a rather old looking man.

"Oh my!" the old man bent down and picked the kitten up, gently stroking it as he looked around, "Wolfwood my dear boy... I think we should talk!"

"Not me fault! Dey make me duz it!" Wolfwood lamented.

"I... well... tell us what happened..."

"I don't want to know!!!" Reylar said firmly, clamping his hands over his ears and humming a tune loudly. He paused, and swore to himself when he realise he was humming a Talltoppho tune. He settled for just holding his hands over his ears as he made his way back to the armoury.

"So... how did it all begin...?" the old man asked, patting Wolfwood paternally on the shoulder and motioning him to sit on one of the comfy couches.

"Well... dere wuz diz mad nome girl in da Benzor Flatz see..."

Chapter 1: From Humble Beginnings

It was a bright and pleasant day when Wolfwood exitted the East Benzor gate and followed the gently undulating road that lead towards the Wandering Badger.

As he got closer, he was mildly surprised to find a fairly large crowd had gathered.

Stepping up to the edge of the crowd, he peered easily over the top to try and see what the fuss was about.


Wolfwood looked around, quickly spotting a fellow orc waving at him.

"It'z WOLFWOOD yooz eejit!" he yelled back as he unceremoniously shouldered his way through the crowd to meet up with his friend. The two of them greeted each other in the traditional way,



Erasmus Thunderpipes picked himself groggily off the ground, "Danggit! Dat 'elmet!" he complained, rubbing his head.

"Wot diz all 'bout den?" Wolfwood asked, looking around the growing crowd, "So many peoplez!"

He recognised many of the faces, some of them customers, many prominent citizens, some more... 'shady'...

Erasmus shrugged, "Iz sum kinda dee-mon-stray-shun." he said slowly.

Before Wolfwood could ask another question, the gnome woman in front of the crowd spoke up to ask for a volunteer.

The crowd regarded her mutely.

"How about you, sir? Come over here please, sir!" she beckoned eagerly at a man Wolfwood didn't recognise.

The man stepped forwards uncertainly.

"What's your name?" the gnome woman asked enthusiastically.

"Uh... Richard." the man said nervously, eyeing the crowd, "Uh, what was yours again?"

The gnome woman giggled, "Zora, like I said!"

She hopped away and drew him closer to where she'd originally been standing, "Hello Richard! Are you ready to change the world?!" she asked, grinning madly.

"Yeah... whatever is better then picking up rat-crap from the streets..." the man shrugged casually.

"Uh, indeed... Give our brave volunteer a hand folks!"

The crowd clapped indifferently.

"Right! Lets can go over there, I have marked a spot." she paused to beckon the rest of the crowd, "Follow me people!"

Zora led her volunteer and the crowd toward the south-east corner of the Wandering Badger.

"Right! You stand on the corner of the 'Badger there..."

Richard effected a bored movement to where he was directed, "'ere good enough?" he asked half-heartedly.

"Yesbrilliant! The rest of you behind me!"

The place became a little chaotic as the now-huge crowd rearranged itself, but soon everyone was in position.

Zora waved her hands and there was a gasp from the crowd as a huge ridiculously ostentatious device materialised around where Richard was standing. Strange pipes and cogs were stuck all over it along with arcane runes carved or painted everywhere seemingly at random. There were blue lights sticking out everywhere.

"Such a brave man..." someone muttered.

Wolfwood peered around and spotted Sedge Hopscotch, an old travelling companion. He waved, but Sedge must have not heard him as he ducked back into the crowd...

"This wont hurt, will it?" the volunteer asked suddenly, looking nervously at the contraption he found himself in.

"Of course this won't hurt!" Zora grinned, "Uh... much...". She pulled out a clip-board and started scribbling down some equations.

"What do you mean won't hurt much?! Let me out of here damnit you stu-", as the man's diatribe escalated a big glass cylinder rotated round, encasing the man inside. He was even less happy about this and started pounding on it with his fists.

"Get on with it already!" heckled someone, Rago Galfine, whom Wolfwood didn't know.

"Yes, yes, don't push!" Zora said tartly, "It's important that this goes well, you wouldn't want me to make a mistake now?"

The man in the glass cylinder went a bit pale.

"Best of luck to ye sir!" a man in polished armour waved, Wolfwood recognised him as Pargan Dianve.

The man in the cylinder gave him a rude gesture too.

Pargan paused for a second, "Do we even know what she is going to do?" he asked the woman next to him.

Wisteria giggled and shrugged, "No ideal!"

Zora paused, "Ah yes... maybe it's time to say what the experiment will do?"

"I think so!" Wistera said wryly.

"Wot, yooz meen she not did dat alreddee?" Wolfwood asked Erasmus. Erasmus belched a shrug.

"Well, what this experiment will do..." Zora began.

"Perchance a spell to cleanse the underdark with a deluge of sparkling water?!" Gorfin Be'fer cut in.

"Infuse us with unlimited power?" a drow, Lisuic Ste'litana suggested.

"Scrub da loo after a all nighta partee!" Erasmus called, raising his hand.

"Kleen da grimey bitz from da stoove? Wot? Wot?? Me wanna nooo!" Wolfwood exclaimed, jumping up and down like a halfling.

Wisteria flinched, a concern at the trembling ground crossing her features.

Zora cleared her throat, "Ahem! What this machine will do, is turn any person into a peaceful and intelligent man, something you can clearly see that he isn't.", she gestured at the man, who was now banging quite harshly on the glass and mouthing something along the lines of 'I'll show you a peaceful man!!'

The crowd murmured.

"If you see a drow, wham! He or she will be friendly forever!" Zora beamed.

The drow in the crowd didn't look too pleased. The rest just looked confused.

"Anyway! Now I need compleeeeeete silence..." Zora said dramatically, raising her hands.

The murmuring stopped, and she turned to face the agitated man.

Without saying a word, she pulled out a small box and hit the single big red button on it's surface.

Cogs started turning, pipes started belching steam and a loud whining electrical sound started building in intensity. Richard hammered on the glass cylinder frantically as the whole thing began to turn round and round and smoke began to pour out around the contraption.


Wolfwood blinked open his eyes. There was a big purple after-shadow burned onto his retinas from the blinding light that had suddenly burst from the device. He looked around, watching the others rubbing their eyes, or in the drow's case clawing at their eyes in agony.

The device itself didn't look in particularly good shape. The glass cylinder had melted along with most of the pipes. Thick black smoke was gently oozing from one side.

"Well... that looked unnecessarily painful..." Gorfin said mildly.

"Well, he will certainly not be rude any more!" one of the drow, Lisuic Ste'litana, said sardonically, still furiously rubbing his eyes.

"Where did he go?" Zora asked with a puzzled look.

"Uhhh... dereeeiz!"

Wolfwood pointed excitedly at a mortally wounded tree, which Richard had apparently collided with after being propelled from Zora's machine.

Zora followed the orc's finger, "Ah there he... uhm..."

"Is he... going to recover?" Wisteria asked, her face an unreadable expression as she tried to laugh and look shocked at the same time.

"Uhm... I'm... sure there is a reasonable explanation to this..." Zora said slowly, riffling madly through her notes.

"Are things better now?" Sedge asked, confused.

"He is quite... colourful..." Lisuic sniggered.

"Where's his clothes?" Rago asked.

"Someone needs to find that man some pants..." Wisteria giggled, trying not to leer at the man.

"'ere Wolfy... why dat man iz bloo?" Erasmus asked.

"Maybe he cold coz 'e got no cloffs?" Wolfwood suggested.

"Are you alright sir?" Pargan asked, stepping forward and trying not to laugh at the poor man.

The man snapped his head up to look at him, then stood up.

"Are you hurt??!" Totten shrieked, bounding over, then skidding to a halt uncertainly before running away and burying her head in Wisteria's robe, "He's nn..nn...naked!"

"Yooz not look too good..." Wolfwood said, ambling over, "Maybeez yooz shud eat wunna de-"

"NONSENSE!" the man shouted, "I feel great!"

"You do?!" Wisteria exclaimed involuntarily.

The man looked around, "Yes! Smarter. More aggressive. I feel like I could..."

Suddenly the man doubled over as if in pain,

"... Like I could..."

Everyone jumped back as the man began shaking violently. Pargan and Gorfin ran forward to support him.


The man flung his arms back, sending Gorfin and Pargan flying to the ground.

The blue man began laughing hysterically. He clicked his fingers and disappeared in a blast of force.

"Well that's not right..." Zora said, frowning at the bits of paper scattered along the ground.

"What the hell just happened?!" Gorfin demanded as he got back on his feet.

Zora stuttered, "I... I... let me check my notes."

"So we now have a crazy blue guy roaming loose. Great." the halfling merchant, Sark, moaned.

"AH! Here we go! Right... according to my calculations, uh... we've just created an evil blue super-genius who will be hell-bent on taking over the world and who we have no hope of possibly stopping now."

"Great." moaned Sark again.

"Wait, how could you *possibly* know what?!" Gorfin demanded.

"Says so, right here in my calculations, see?" Zora showed him her clipboard, "I included all the working out and everything!"

Gorfin's eyes crossed. He clutched his head, having a sudden migraine attack.

"But don't worry, no reason to panic! I have a plan to stop him!"

"But you just said we have spawned an evil blue megalomanical super genius who we, now, have no hope of possibly stopping from taking over the world!" Pargan yelled.

"EXACTLY! That is why we must stop him... YESTERDAY!" Zora beamed.

Silence pervaded the Benzor Flats for a few moments.

"YESTERDAY?!" Pargan exploded, "But...! I... you... how... I...?!" Pargan slapped his head and walked away to head-butt a nearby tree.

"What Pargan said." Wisteria nodded sagely.

Sark crossed his arms, "You're stark raving-OW!"

"Don't question the genius!" Zora snapped, tucking her clipboard back under her arm,

"To the Chrono-Crapper!"

"The WHAT?!" exclaimed Pargan incredulously as Zora ran off towards Benzor.

"This I got to see..." Sark muttered sceptically, running after her.

Chapter 2: Call of Nature
Hakran Ostakill was strolling out of the East gate when he, to his surprise, he spied the large group running towards him. He barely avoided getting almost trampled to death by Zora and the group of orcs, drow, halflings, elves, humans and, for some reason, badgers.

"What's going on Pargan??" he exclaimed as he saw his friend run past. Pargan skidded to a haul and jumped to one side, narrowly being run over by Wolfwood and Erasmus, "This is... quite the gathering!" Hakran added with light amusement.

"Indeed... and quite the insane event going on as well here..." Pargan shook his head, gesturing for Hakran to follow, "'eh so how ye feel about travelling back in time Hakran?"

Hakran laughed, "Time travel? You losing it mate?"

"Can be duzzed! Me duz time travllin' ALL da time!" Wolfwood yelled back over his shoulder.

"Yooz duz?!" Erasmus cried out.

"Ya! Me duzzin' it right now!"

Erasmus furrowed his brows with confusion while Pargan just slapped his forehead.

"Wow! You're smart!" Totten cried out with a wondrous expression.

Wolfwood scooped her up and sat her on his broad shoulder, "Ya! Dat coz me izza ser-tee-fied chef!" he beamed at the halfling.

"Ser-ti-fied? What's that mean?"

"Uh... it meen I get piece of paper to say I izza chef!"

"Can I have one too?" Totten asked, giving him a puppy go-eye'd look...

... Which Wolfwood completely missed, "Ya! But need to learn to be chef firzt! An' take Chef exam!"

"What's a chef exam?" Totten asked, giving Wolfwood a dubious look.

"Uh... me not shur..." the orc said uncertainly, "But me did wun!"

Pargan and Hakran arrived in the temple ahead of the orcs, and quickly joined the crowd forming next to the bewildered priest.

Hakran nodded to those he knew, "My lady Wisteria, Gorfin."

"Greetings Hakran." Gorfin nodded in return.

"Hakran!" Wisteria exclaimed, "Quite the hullabaloo isn't it?" she added with a grin, gesturing at the chaos in the temple.

"Quite so Lady Wisteria..." Pargan replied, slightly stuffily.

"Indeed, quite a rabbl...erm gathering." Hakran added with a condescending grin towards the crowd.

When the orcs finally arrived, Zora led them through the back-halls of the temple to the walled back yard.

"Behold! The Chrono-Crapper!" she said with a flare, turning to smile proudly at the audience.

Wolfwood and Erasmus looked at each other. To them it looked like a cess-pit with some cogs and pipes sticking out of it. Apparently they were not the only ones...

"Uh... That's a cess-pit." Pargan pointed out slowly.

"Ah! This may LOOK like an ordinary cess-pit, but it is actually a modification of one of my earlier projects combined with a very specific and scientifically aligned dung formation to stimulate the creation of a trans-temporal vortex!"

"What?!" Pargan 's face was a mask of utter confusion and disbelief.

Zora's shoulders dropped, "It's a 'magic door'." she sighed condescendingly.

"Well why yooz not juz say so!" the orcs said eagerly.

"And I'm sure..." continued Zora, "that it's working!"

Selena Swiftshadow gave her a dark look, "That just fills me with confidence." she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Now if a brave soul will just stand up and come to me I will send him or her back in time!!"

"Indeed... eh... any volunteers?" Pargan asked, giving Hakran a sidelong grin.

"Mumpy's quite the planes traveller. Maybe he'd be a good choice!" Hakran said quickly.

"Send one of the badgers through first! Let's see if it implodes or something!" Gorfin suggested, giving the badgers an evil grin.

The badgers responded by running round and biting him in the backside.

"I would suggest Nag, but I fear he'd get stuck." Hakran chuckled as he watched Gorfin being chased by the angry badgers.

"I'll go."

The whole group turned to look at Selena.

"I've never travelled the planes before." she shrugged by way of explanation.

"GREAT!" Zora exclaimed, "Right, just step... there... and you'll be off to yesterday!"

Selena stepped gingerly on the cogs and pipes, trying very hard to avoid stepping into the cess-pit proper.

"Wish me luck..." Selena said, suddenly feeling a tinsy bit anxious.

"Yes, yes, just get in there!" Zora snapped impatiently.

Selena waved, took one last step... and suddenly she disappeared!

"WOOHOO! IT WORKED!!! I can't believe it worked!!" Zora exclaimed, jumping up and down.

"You *what?!*" Pargan glared at her, but the glare just bounced off her.

"Who's next?" she smiled, "Perhaps you sir?" she added, winking at Sark.

Sark paled slightly, "Uhh... Hey! Yeah! How do we know it really worked, eh? Eh??" he said quickly.

"Corz it wurk! She go into portallee! Woo! Me nex! Mememe! Avencha!!" Wolfwood said excitedly.

"I wannsa goes and sees yesserdays. Sees if I findsah ingots I lossah." Thargnug added.

Before Zora could stop them, the three orcs, Erasmus, Wolfwood and Thargnug ran into the cess-pool, all except Wolfwood splashing through the crud and all disappearing with three pops!

Chapter 3: Down the Pan
Wolfwood appeared first. He skidded to a halt, "Cor, iz diz-WAGH!"

The orc tripped forwards and hit the ground with a loud crash as Thrargnug and Erasmus ploughed into him from behind.

"Is it yestaday? I was here then... soz I don't noze if I go'd back or not... uh..." Erasmus sratched his head, his orc brain running at top gear trying to comprehend the consequences of his new situation.

The three of them started looking around. They were in front of several rows of benches. In front of them to their left was some sort of altar with a gong. It looked remarkably like the Benzor Temple of Life, in fact.

"Where da udda girl-elf goez?" Wolfwood asked.

The three of them looked around as more of the group began arriving.

Not sure what to do, they milled around for a few moments, when a side door suddenly burst open.

"Holy mother of Blue!! What is this?!? MORE?!"

They all turned to see a blue-skinned humanoid standing with a horrified expression on his face.

"DEVIANTS! TRAVESTIES!!" he started yelling.

Soon they found themselves surrounded by guards...

Chapter 4: Up the Creek
"There there..." Wisteria patted Totten on the head again.

"But I'm too young to be a criminal!!" Totten sobbed.

"Go time travelling you said, see the planes you said! I preferred getting me eye gouged out!" Hakran groused at Pargan.

The whole group had been stuffed into a pair of make-shift cells, with all their belongings removed. Most were clad in rags, their armour having been taken too.

"Pipe down in there!" yelled one of the blue guards from outside.


"Don't make me come in there!" the guard yelled back.

"Well this is fun..." Gorfin muttered. He tried to shift to a better position, having been unlucky enough to be put in the same cell as the orcs.

Wolfwood shifted too, eliciting a horrified shriek from Selena as she found her self wedged under his arm pit, and an angry squeak from Max (One of the badgers) who now found himself being stood on by 350lbs of orc.

Suddenly there was a high-pitched squeak... like a balloon with a slow leak. Erasmus shuffled his feet.

"Dear gods no!" Gorfin went pale, "LET US OUT OF HERE!!"

"Help! I'm suffocating!" gagged Selena. The door was suddenly wrenched open. Gorfin tried to dive out but the guard clubbed him over the head.

"Right, shut up and get in there! Not you!" he pushed Wolfwood back.

Gorfin, Selena and the others left and went into the other cell, leaving the orcs and the two badgers in the cells.

"Cor, lookit!" Erasmus pointed behind as the door was slammed shut again.

He'd found a box of what appeared to be raw meat.

Chapter 5: The Plop Thickens
Some time later, the outer door opened again.

"Right! Since we apparently don't have any of you registered with owners, we will put you on for auction in three days. Those of you that don't get new masters will be up for the chop. Can't have you vermin running around stray!"

He led them out and moved them all to a larger room, escorted by several other guards, all blue-skinned as well...

"Damn these itchy rags..." Hakran muttered. He caught Wisteria's eye, "Cover your eyes ladies. Don't want you all getting too excited!" he added with a grin. Wisteria looked from him to Thargnug and Totten. The three of them started sniggering.

"Right so who has any theories on what is going on here?" Pargan asked, looking round the group.

" this Yesterday? I don't remember being in prison yesterday...!" Totten said, her lip quivering.

"I don't think this is yesterday..." Wisteria told the halfling, "Excuse me mister guard, what year is this?"

"What?!" yelled the guard from outside, "Just shut up!! All of you!!"

Wisteria shrugged.

"Oh, they got you too?" said a weak voice. Wisteria looked up. There was an old gnome woman sitting in the far corner in the shadows!

"Who you is?" Thargnug asked the gnome, ambling over to idly sit next to her.

"Me? I'm Zara." the woman shrugged.

"I iz Thargnug Thnagg!"

The two of them shook hands.

"Why we stucks in heres?" Thargnug asked.

"Why are you all stuck? Because you are not all blue of course!" Zara shook her head.

"Why will being blue help us?"

Zara quirked an eyebrow at Kelson Dragonbane.

"What do you mean? Are you thick or something??" Zara jabbed a finger at him, "If you were blue you'd be out there and not here!"

"But... why??" Pargan tried not to yell in frustration.

"Just tell us what's going on woman!" Lisuic growled.

"What's going on? What do you mean??" Zara asked, genuinely confused.

"Who are these evil blue people?!" Wisteria snapped.

"Oh... they did some experiments on your heads or something didn't they?" Zara nodded sadly to herself, "That must be why you don't know..."

"Know what?!?!" screeched Gorfin. Hakran patted him on the shoulder.

"Telluz wot 'appenz... why diz all like diz!" Wolfwood gestured towards the guard behind the door.

Zara huffed, "Well, it's because of what my grandmother did of course!"

"Was her name Zora...?" Gorfin asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

"What did she do?" Kelson asked innocently.

Zara eyed them, "You really don't know do you? Poor dears... whatever they did with your brains must have been terrible..."

"Don't change the subject!" snapped Gorfin.

"Hmph. Anyway, she turned a man into this super evil blue genius... he invented a way to clone himself... imperfectly, some better some worse, aaand pretty much took over. We fought back, but... well..." Zara shrugged.

"Well what?!" Gorfin cried out, his patience at breaking point.

"Well we didn't win. Duh!" Zara snapped back.

"So... Zora made the machine that did this..." Wisteria said slowly.

Zara nodded, "Yes."

"... so we're in the future...?"

Zara looked at the elf dubiously, "Nooo... you're in what we call the 'Present'..."

Pargan snapped his fingers, "Of course! Zora's time machine must have malfunctioned! Sent us into the future instead of the past!", he turned to Zara, "When did this all begin? When did it start? The first Blue man??" he asked urgently.

Zara was giving them all a strange look, "What? Well... I... uh... about a hundred years ago now, but what do you mean future?! I mean... she did make a time machine too! But... nobody's ever seen it! I'm the only one who knows where it is!"

Pargan and Wistera exchanged knowing smiles; She wasn?t the only one who knew where it was now!

"Great!" exclaimed Hakran, "Let's break out, beat up the blue-nosed snot and get to that stupid pit and get the hell back to our own time!"

"Um... there's only one problem. Well lots of problems actually. First of all, if you break out they will kill you like the rest. Secondly, the time machine runs on Eternium and only the richest and most powerful Blues have such a valuable metal..."

Wisteria snapped her fingers, "Blueberries! I still have a box of Grace's blueberries... we could make a dye, make ourselves blue!"

"What about the metal? And how do we get out?" Pargan pointed out.

"I don't know..." Wisteria furrowed her eyebrows.

Wolfwood yawned, "Wot time iz?"

"Not nose. Tired. So sleep time!" Erasmus said and immediately dropped off.

"Daz troo!" Wolfwood agreed, and dropped off too, the two of them snoring loudly.

"SHUT UP IN THERE!!!" the guard banged on the door, "Damnit, it's bad enough that I'm going to miss the Female Orc Show because of you, but this is too much!"

"Female Orc Show?" Wisteria looked to Zara.

Zara shrugged, "They like orcs. Their green skin or something, I don't know why. They dress them up and enter them into beauty contests."

Mumpy gagged, "Female Orcs? Beauty contest?! HAHAHAH!"

Zara shrugged, "Big business apparently, the prizes are said to be extremely valuable."

"Yeah, you ain't kidding crazy woman," the guard yelled in from outside, "I hear there's 20 pounds of Eternium for the winner in this one! Now SHUT UP!!!"

Wisteria blinked, "Well that's convenient..."

"But how is that going to help us?" Hakran groused.

"Well we have some orcs. Three of them..." Wisteria giggled, a not-totally-reassuring glint in her eyes.

"Now all we need to do is figure a way out..." Pargan grinned.

"Just leave this one ta me!"

Mumpy swaggered over to the door, pulling some lock picks from places probably best not speculated about and started to work on the door.

"OI!" a hatch suddenly opened in the door and the guard hit Mumpy over the head with his baton, "Don't do that again!"

"Oh well..." Pargan shrugged, "Anyone else got a plan...?"

Chapter 6: Toilet Break

Wolfwood suddenly sat up with a worried look on his face.

"What's wrong Wolfy?" Totten asked, skipping over to him.

"Me need pee!"

Totten screamed and ran back to Wisteria.

"Oh man..." Gorfin slapped his hand to his face.

"When y' gotta go, y' gotta go..." Mumpy shrugged.

Wolfwood got up and, bouncing gently up and down at his knees, shuffled uncomfortably over to the door, "Uh... mista blooo guy.... can me go pee?"

"NO! Wait until we move you to the deviant's pound!"

"But me really need to go!"

"Just hold it for a few hours!"

"Few ow-erz?!" exclaimed Wolfwood, puffing and clutching his crotch desperately. He started pounding on the door with his free hand.

"SHUT UP!!!" screamed the guard.

"ME NEED PEE! LEMME OUT!!!" Wolfwood yelled back.

"Someone let the orc out! Ooh please let him out!" Pargan winced, moving away from him surreptitiously.

"FINE! I'll take you peeing... maybe there's a bush or something..."

There was a rattling of keys and a click as the guard unlocked the heavy door.

It swung open with a groan.

"Alright, the rest of you stay back, just me and the or-HEY!"

Wolfwood ran at the door, his eyes watering as he desperately held it in. He tripped over Mumpy's unconscious form, went airborne and landed on the guard with a soggy crunch. Without stopping, he scrabbled to his feet and ran off randomly into a side-room.

Mumpy got too his feet groggily, then winced, clutching at his ribs, "Wot 'appened?! I think I cracked a rib! Police... uh... prison-guard brutality!"

Pargan stepped gingerly over to the unhealthily flat guard, "Oh yes, he's dead alright... ewyuck..."

"Lets get out of here!" Gorfin said gruffly, wasting no time.

"C'mon missy Zara!" Totten hopped, pulling her playfully.

"No luv, I'll wait here if it's all the same to you. Good luck 'tho." she said sadly, not expecting them to see them again.

Totten shrugged and skipped after the others.

"Where did Wolfy go? We need him..." Wisteria snickered as she stepped gingerly over the extremely flat guard.

From one of the side doors they heard loud sigh of relief.

"Daz betta..." Wolfwood gasped, his tongue hanging out from exhaustion as he slowly ambled back into the main chamber.

Now free, the group quickly searched the surrounding rooms for their equipment. Luckily it was all stored in the next room, and they quickly started getting dressed.

"Wait," Wisteria held up a hand, "We need the blueberries first!"

She dug into her pack and quickly began mashing the blueberries into a paste. Wolfwood offered some of his extremely dense cooking oil, which Wisteria added to make it thicker.

Totten folded her arms, "I'm not putting that on in front of them!" she said petulantly.

"And I don't want to see them put it on!" Pargan said, fearfully indicating the orcs.

"They won't have to," soothed Wisteria, that glint still in her eyes. She poured some of the blueberry mush into one of Wolfwood's pots and gave it to the men while she took the ladies into another room.

"I can't believe I'm doing this..." Hakran muttered, "It's all your fault you know." he added, looking pointedly at Pargan.

"Hey, stop staring! Wait outside damnit!" Gorfin yelled at the orcs. They shuffled out.

"Wot we duz nowz den?" Wolfwood looked at Erasmus.

"Wait for dat weird hummiez to finish dere weird hummie fingz I guezz."

"Dey iz all nutz."



The three orcs looked down corridor. A pair of blue guards had just emerged from a room three doors down.


Erasmus grabbed one of Wolfwood's Meat Surprises, spat on it and bowled it down the corridor at them before quickly dragging Thurgurg and Wolfwood into another room.

Wolfwood heard a soft pop and felt a sudden rush of air fly past the room. There was a scream followed by a wet flopping sound, then a muffled 'whumph'.

The three of them stuck their heads out of the door to peer down the corridor. The only evidence of anything was the soft sooty scorch marks around a section of the corridor.

"What was that?" Pargan asked as he stepped out, buckling on his weapons. Wisteria's dye covered him from head to toe, literally. His face, armour, hands, fingers, even fingernails and hair were a shade of blue! He smelt faintly of berries.

"Uh... wot? Me nose heerz nuffin'." Erasmus said innocently.

Pargan shrugged, "Well, are we ready?"

Totten snickered, "You all look funny!"

"So do you." Hakran sneered back.

"Now, we just need to find and win this Female Orc Beauty contest..." Pargan said with a shudder.

Wisteria suppressed a giggle.

"Yeah! And luckily for us it's just down the hall!" Totten showed everyone the poster she'd found in their room.

They made their way down the corridor, following Totten and her poster until they arrived in a small amphitheatre.

"Oh, more contestants? You'd better sign up your orcs here!" an elderly blue man bustled, pushing a clipboard at them. Wisteria took it off him.

"Um... where are the contestants?" she asked politely.

"Over there." the man sighed, "Not much of a competition today sadly... those three haven't g Wolfwood suggested.

ot a chance..." he wrinkled his nose with displeasure, "As usual, Lady Cyanine's entry is most likely to win... again." he added indicating the orc on the last bench.

One of the orcs stood out from the rest, she (he??) was wearing a frilly pinky-purple dress and a quite possible a wig. It was talking to the contestant next to her with an unusually deep voice for a woman... Mumpy squinted at her, "Is that a man-orc or a woman-orc?" he hissed at Pargan. Pargan shrugged despondently.

"Still, I hope your entries will.. oh... oh deary... hmm..." he looked over the three orcs, who shuffled their feet uncomfortably, "I'm sorry, but if that's your pool of potential entries, you haven't got a hope!"

"OI! I cud win if ah wanned too!" Wolfwood retorted loudly.

The man jumped back in shock.

"Shh!" Wisteria gave the orc a hard glare before turning back to the blue man, "Don't worry, we haven't made them up yet! You'll see."

"Uh.. indeed..." he took the clipboard off Wisteria, gave it a cursory glance, "Oh! I'm sorry, you can only enter one contestant. I'll just cross off the other two... There! Just," he squinted, "Kazarn Woofwool!" he said quickly before wandering back among the other owners.

"WOT?!" choked Wolfwood, "Wuz juz kiddin'!!".

"No! Wait!" Pargan exclaimed, but the man was already gone. He glared at Wisteria, "How are we supposed to win now?! It says FEMALE Orc contest! Why did you put down all of them?!"

"And me name is WOLFwood!" the orc muttered sullenly.

"Don't worry, I'm sure we can work something out." she said sweetly, "This will be a challenge for sure." Wisteria grinned mischievously.

Wolfwood gave her a worried look.

"Lets go and dress you up!"

"Wait..." they turned, a large blue orcish woman was ambling over to them. She had a sash on marked 'Judge', "Oh my... he wasn't joking. This is your entry?"

She walked round Wolfwood tutting.

Chapter 7: You Can Polish a Turd!
"Hah. That's far from good enough to win, lady!" she chuckled to Wisteria.

"Now there is something you have to learn about," she coughed lightly, "'female' orc beauty contests. I see that you have never been to one before." she smirked, putting an arm round Wolfwood while looking at Wisteria.

"First... the dress! You need a beautiful dress, and yours isn't good enough by far." she frowned, "In fact that looks more like an... apron... made out of... dragon scales??"

"He-uh, she's my chef too." Wisteria said hurriedly. Wolfwood beamed.

The judge grinned at Wisteria knowingly, "Well it will have to go." she said flatly.

"You need either lovely hair, or at least something on your head that will look impressive." the judge continued.

"Wot wrong wiv 'elmet?" Wolfwood cried defensively.

"Oh nothing, it just looks... bad, you know." the judge shrugged nonchalantly.

"Take it off! Take it off!!" Totten poked him.

The orc did so, grumbling at the Talltoppho.

"A top-knot?" the judge giggled, "You have hair like a man! No style... so plain!"


As they talked, the rest of the party stayed back, growing increasingly nauseous.

"Oh fer the love of fudge..." Mumpy muttered with a shudder, turning away as one of the contestants winked at him, "I tell yer, we been psychically violated!"

"This just isn't right..." Hakran rubbed his temples.

"Must find happy place, must find happy place..." Selena muttered to herself, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Aww c'mon! This is fun!" Totten giggled.

"I think I will be scarred for life." Pargan said, his eyes involuntarily watering as he looked around.

"Those heavin' green thighs!!" Mumpy covered his mouth to choke down the rising bile, "Stab me when it's over..."

Wisteria nodded, "Thank you for your... insights." she said with a smile, as the judge left.

"Right, the rest of you wait here, Totten and I will sort this out!", she turned to Wolfwood, "Come on, pretty." she giggled, rolling up her sleeves.

Wolfwood gave a lamenting sigh.

Chapter 8: The Orc?s New Clothes
Later that day, Wolfwood walked back into the entry hall with a depressed look on his face. Wisteria had modified an old tiara with the help of some expert welding from Hakran and Pargan, and now it glittered on his orky brow. His head was a jumble of pink and blue ribbons. Also, there were two cats, presents from Grace belonging to Wisteria and Totten, tied to his head with said ribbons, one was called Lily and one was Billy. They were thankfully sleeping.

Instead of his usual dragon scale apron, he was now wearing a silky satin pink dress which Wisteria and Totten had made from stocks in their bags. It too was covered with frills and bows and... things.

His face had been radically altered - Eye-shadow, lipstick, even his tusks hadn?t gone unscathed, adorned as they were with glitter.

At first the rest of them looked shocked, but quickly started poking fun.

"You sexy thing!" Wisteria grinned at her creation.

Gorfin and Pargan blew wolf-whistles, before clutching their guts against the roaring laughter that threatened to jump out.

"You inna dresses!" Thargnug snickered.

"Er... how... nice..." Sark muttered... his eyes trying to roll back to the back of his skull.

"Aaw come on, walk a bit back and fourth!" snickered Pargan.

"Yes, you need to practice for the contest!" giggled Wisteria.

"Indeed, let us see your stride!" Hakran snorted back a laugh.

Wolfwood glared balefully at them, but walked back and forth once.

"You're doing fantastic, Wolfy!" Wisteria cheered him on.

"Hmm... more shake I think... work that rear!" snickered Pargan, tears starting to form in his eyes, "Look at that waistline tho! Wowie! Muah!" he blew a kiss at Wolfwood.

Sark, Sedge and Selena stepped back away from him, giving him worried looks.

As they chuckled at the orc's discomfort, Mumpy sneaked up behind him, "Wahay!" he exclaimed, trying to lift up Wolfwood's skirt.

"MASHER!" the orc shrieked and smashed him in the face.

"I have to say, Wolfie," Gorfin said with a leer, "That if I were an orc... and female... and, well, blind, you'd might have to beat me off with a stick." he grinned.

"Wait, yooz mizzed sumfink..." Erasmus pointed out. He ambled over and pulled two handfuls of Meat Surprises out of Wolfwood's pack, which he had been tasked with looking after.


Wolfwood gave him a bemused look, while the others started snickering again.

"Aww!" Wolfwood took them and stuffed them down his front.

"I'm going to need therapy when I get back." moaned Sark.

"Me too..." Sedge said, paling.

Chapter 9: Porking
"Alright! Last call! All contestants too the bench!" the elderly blue man called.

"You're up Wolfy!" Wisteria snickered, slapping him on the rump.

Wolfwood ambled off dejectedly, throwing one last baleful look at them before sitting down next to the contest favourite, Lady Cyanine's orc 'Pricilla'.

'Pricilla' looked at him with shock, then quickly adjusted the socks in 'her' bra.

Wolfwood returned the shocked look.

The judge began walking up the benches with a clipboard. 'She' raised an eyebrow when she arrived at Wolfwood's position, "Not bad!" she grinned suggestively at Wolfwood.

"Oh my god!" Pargan's face took on a green tinge, even through the blue dye.

"What?" hissed Wisteria, a concerned look creasing her features.

"Look... closely... they're ALL male!!" Pargan pointed at the contestants.

"I skeg it... I don't believe it!" Mumpy's jaw hung open.

"Of course they are!" one of the nearby blue owners whispered back, "Your entry's pretty good by the way!" he winked suggestively at Wisteria.

Wisteria turned away, blushing furiously.

The contest began in earnest, and despite themselves the group cheered on Wolfwood.

"We can't loose now!" declared Pargan confidently.

"Aye... up... Wolfy the... new... blue horned horny orc!" Mumpy managed, choking on his words, "Shake yer... Jink maker!"

"Wit dat hed-fing he can't looses!" Thargnug cheered.

"What's your name and what do you like?" the judge moved to 'Pricilla'

The orc spoke with a squeaky falsetto voice, "I am Pricilla, and I like Blues," this elicited a cheer, "And uh... um..." the orc suddenly took on a panicked look, "Uh... my ownah?"

This got a frosty reception. Apparently Lady Cyanine wasn't very popular.

"And you, what's your name?" the judge moved to Wolfwood, winking at him suggestively.

"Uh.... Wolfwood." he glanced at his group, who were waving frantically at him. "Ette." he added.

"And what do you like?" the judge grinned.

"Uh... blooz?" a cheer, "Uh... an' cats? Yeah, I like demz." this brought slightly confused murmurs, "Oooh, an' cookin'! I luv dat!" this brought a cheer.

The judge clapped her hands, turning to the audience, "Right! From the marks, it is my delight to declare that, uh, Wolfwood-'ette' here is the winner!"

'Pricilla' immediately began crying big crocodile tears, while Wolfwood's group cheered madly. He was ushered onto a small podium which creaked alarmingly under the combined weight of the him and the two runners up.

"Here is the Eternium trophy and the Winner's Sash!" the judge handed Wolfwood the trophy and put the sash over him. He mumbled his thanks and, when it was all over, quickly hobbled off.

"Hey, I sommat like this on Sigil once... yer meant to check their bikini lines!"

Hakran gaped at Mumpy as the Sigilian cupped his mouth to yell at the judge, "Sure yer dont wanna check tha' Bik-UCK!"

The judge turned to look at Mumpy, and as she did so, Wolfwood quickly pulled out one of his 'boobs' and hurled it at him as he cupped his mouth to yell.


The hard coal-like lump caught Mumpy right in the mouth and he snapped over backwards, landing with a dazed thud.

Gorfin winced, "I *know* that hurt..."

"Ahem! Anyway, the next contest will be in a tenday!" the judge announced, "I hope you will show up there, Lady Wolfwoodette." she winked at Wolfwood palming a note into his sash and winking at him.

"Of course h-she will!" giggled Wisteria and Pargan.

"Not if I can bluddy 'elp it!" muttered Wolfwood to himself.

He rejoined his group, while Erasmus examined Mumpy, who was choking on the Meat Surprise.

After careful observation, with Mumpy really turning blue, Erasmus punched him in the stomach.

The Meat Surprise popped out, and Erasmus caught it and ate it with a loud crunch.

"Awight, lez go!" he declared cheerfully, ambling off, leaving Mumpy to curl into a foetal position, clutching his stomach.

Wolfwood took his pack back off Erasmus and stuffed the sash and trophy into it.

Chapter 10: Home Time
Exiting what, in their time, was the Benzor Temple of Life, they marvelled at the derelict buildings around them.

"Not ones for property maintenance are they?" noted Hakran sourly.

The group made its way round towards where the cess-pit had been, but to their surprise there was a large rift blocking their path.

"Looks like an earthquake... cut Benzor in half! We'll have to go around..." Pargan said grimly.

They made good time skirting the chasm. They were only challenged once, but Wolfwood showed the guards his sash and they were let past with a few cat-calls and wolf-whistles. Wolfwood almost threw his other 'boob' at them, but Wisteria quickly grabbed his arm.

Eventually they arrived at the cess-pit...

"Now what? We still need to deal with that guy..." Pargan said.

"Dun worry... me got plan!"

They all looked at Wolfwood in surprise as he dug a strange flat block of metal out of his bag. He passed the trophy to Wisteria and took on a look of intense concentration as he squinted and tapped at some of the runes on the block.

Wisteria looked around, shrugged and dropped the trophy in a particularly succulent-looking part of the pit. It sank quickly with a sucking gloopy sound.

"Gimme ya portal kee." the orc waved at Mumpy. Mumpy fumbled for a battered rock-like gem and passed it to the orc.

Wolfwood threw the metal block into the pit and it vanished, "Follow meez!" he said, holding out Mumpy's key as he walked into the pit, trying to avoid getting any of the sewage on his dress.

Wisteria glanced at Wolfwood dubiously, but followed him in.


The priest flinched with surprise as the flat metal block pinged out of the portal. Wolfwood stepped out and picked it up. The priest paled at the sight of him, and backed away slowly. His eyes goggled when the entire group suddenly appeared.

"Good day." Wisteria nodded, suppressing a giggle at the dumb-founded priest.

"Is this Yesterday?" Totten asked the priest. He looked at her with surprise, then moved to place his hands on her head.

"Poor child, you must be delirious!"

Totten shrieked and ran to hide behind Wisteria, who gave the priest a stern look.

"Oi priesty, what's the day?" Mumpy asked.

"What? Um.. err, it's Friday..." the priest said, "Uh, why do you ask...?"

Totten punched the air, "IT'S YESTERDAY!"

"Okay, now what?" Pargan asked.

"We should find that infernal machine and destroy it!" Hakran muttered.

"Naw! Will bugga up da fred fingy! Izza Pair-o-duckz!" Wolfwood exclaimed urgently.

"Silly! What do two ducks have to do with it?" Totten said, crossing her arms sceptically.

Mumpy put his hand up, "Oooh, I gots me a wicked idea!" he grinned.

Richard the Rat Catcher warily sat down in the Wandering Badger, "Gimme a steak, make it snappy, wench!" he yelled at Keynan and Pricilla (The waitress).

Several moments passed, and he was about to get up to yell at them some more when an attractively-dressed but rather large woman approached him holding a tray.

"Diz yooz food." she said gruffly, putting the plate on the table, "An' here iz too Meat Suhprizez, on da howz..." she added, before heading back towards the kitchen. Richard grinned at the departing woman lecherously before tucking into his meal...

"What the hell was that? It was hard as coal!!" he yelled at Keynan as he finished off the last of the meal.

He got up, threw some coins at Pricilla and stormed out to go home.


Richard the Evil Blue Super Genius laughed heartily at the pathetic mortals before him... Zora's machine had made him as a god! He snapped his fingers and jumped to the Astral Plane as limitless possibilities spun round his vast intellect.... he paused, a rumble in his stomach... indigestion? No matter, a simple thought from his omniscient mind would fix it... but no, what? What was wrong? No! Burning agony... intestines! No...!



Koraf was steering the spell-jammer ship Chaos Engine through the Astral Plane, heading back towards Limbo.

"'ere Shady, 'sa bit o' turbulence there lad, adjust tae ventral sails will ye?"

"Aye aye keptin!" Shady snickered in a bad accent, he paused, "Oooh look! Pretty!"

Koraf looked where Shadestep was pointing, "Aye, sommat blew up bigtime o'er there! We bet'r go round, aye?"

"Aye aye keptin!" Shady snickered again.

"And take off t' pikin' eyepatch, ye look ridic'lous!"


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